The Gift of Attention

Visiting an Older Loved One This Holiday Season?

What to Notice and Why It Matters

The holiday season is often when we finally spend meaningful time with older family members we may not see regularly throughout the year. These visits are full of tradition, connection, and memories. They're also a great time to notice changes that may be affecting a loved one’s safety, health, and overall well-being.

When we see someone every day, gradual changes are easy to overlook, but after months of separation, even subtle shifts can stand out. Those observations provide valuable information.

Over the years, as a home care agency owner and later as a case manager for older adults with complex needs, I encouraged families to think of holiday visits as a chance to observe with care and intention. Not to panic. Not to diagnose. Simply to notice.

The Gift of Keen Observation

One of the most meaningful gifts you can give an older loved one is your attention. Paying attention doesn't mean interrogating or pointing out flaws. It means quietly noticing patterns, changes, and inconsistencies.

You might find yourself thinking or hearing things like:

Mom just didn't seem like herself today.
Dad has never spoken to us like that before.
The house has really gone downhill since my last visit.

These observations are often brushed off as stress, a bad day, or the chaos of the holidays. Sometimes that's true. Other times, they're early red flags that something deeper is going on.

Common Areas to Pay Attention To

During a visit, consider gently observing the following areas.

Memory and cognition
Are they repeating stories more than usual? Struggling to follow conversations? Forgetting appointments, medications, familiar routines, or perhaps a traditional recipe?

Mood and behavior
Have you noticed increased irritability, withdrawal, anxiety, or personality changes? Sudden behavioral shifts are worth paying attention to.

Physical ability and mobility
Watch how they move through their space. Are they shuffling, holding onto furniture, or avoiding stairs? Are bruises or unexplained marks present?

Personal care and clothing
Is their clothing clean and appropriate for the weather? Do they appear well-groomed, or has there been a noticeable change?

The condition of the home
Look at cleanliness, clutter, spoiled food, and overall safety. Are there tripping hazards, neglected repairs, or signs that household tasks are becoming overwhelming?

None of these observations alone means something is “wrong.” Patterns and combinations are what matter.

Awareness Without Alarm

One of the biggest fears I've noticed in families is the fear of overreacting. They worry about offending a loved one, upsetting family dynamics, or opening a door they're not ready to walk through. As a result, concerns are often ignored until a crisis forces action.

There is a vast space between ignoring concerns and panicking. Awareness lives in that space.

Noticing changes allows you to ask better questions, have calmer conversations, and seek guidance early. Early awareness creates more options, more control, and less stress for everyone involved.

When You Are Unsure What You Are Seeing

Many people leave a family visit with an uneasy feeling they can't quite explain. They know something felt off, but they don't understand what it means or what to do next.

This is where having an experienced, neutral sounding board can make a difference.

Sometimes, the next step is simply to monitor and check in more often. Other times, it's gathering information, involving other family members, or having a thoughtful conversation with a medical professional. And sometimes, it's reassuring to know that what you noticed is normal and manageable.

Keeping the situation in perspective reduces stress and conflict.

Looking Ahead to the New Year

The holidays naturally invite reflection. Use that momentum to think ahead. A little attention now can help keep your loved one safer, healthier, and more supported in the years to come.

You don't need to have all the answers. You just need to be willing to notice and to ask for help when questions arise.

If a visit leaves you concerned and unsure what to do next, you don't have to sort it out alone. I'm happy to help provide insight and guidance. Don't worry. We can work it out together.